I couldn’t stay away: Fear & Fury in the Red-head

Hey bloggy world.

It’s been a while. Sorry I’ve been M.I.A. for so long, but I really needed a break from blogging. If you’ve ever suffered from any form of anxiety, you’ve probably been in my situation. Blogger blogs, blogger has negative thought or prediction, blogger freaks out, blogger goes bye-bye. The most pathetic thing is nothing actually happened to cause my panic! It just came on automatically. This happens me occasionally though. I get bouts of anxiety that leave me with irrational beliefs that, as a result, control my life.

On the plus side, I’ve gotten into college and have finally started losing weight again. Even if it is slowly. Applied Social Studies is a great course, and the people in it are nice to me. People aren’t usually nice to people who look like me.

I’ve been pretty anxious lately, but that’s the least of my worries. What really worries me is my resulting anger. I mean, a teenager decided to harass me in public and I went home and cracked a door (even though I have a punchbag). I’ve started college. It’s a great course, with some fantastic people, but I just can not hide my anger. A normal person can pretend to be happy and full of joy when they really want to brutally murder everyone in the room. Yes, it’s scary as shit, but it’s an amazing skill to have. I, on the other hand, am like a aggressive cat. I make it so obvious I’m moody and can’t help getting snappy and wanting to scratch your eyes out if the slightest thing annoys me. I don’t mean to be like that. I hate myself for being mean to people like that. I want it to stop.

The anger and anxiety combined have been really getting to me. When I was walking to college yesterday, I heard a girl in my course, thinking I couldn’t hear her, make a bitchy comment to her friend about how I look down when I walk, practically demanding I should look up. That comment drove me insane. It’s a nervous habit I’ve had since I was a child, and I’d love to be able to stop. Her criticizing me made me more anxious. I spent the day trying not to make a sarcastic comment. This morning, when I was walking in happily listening to my 90’s music, I kept my head up, and ignored her, rather than saying hello, like I usually would.

There’s another girl in my class. Lets call her Lauren. Since I started, I have always felt extremely anxious around her. I’m introverted and socially awkward, she’s extroverted, loud and constantly cracking jokes trying to be funny. There’s something about that kind of personality that just clashes with mine, so I’ve kept my distance. However, today a tutor was writing something on the board and I couldn’t make out her writing. I asked the teacher to spell the word and Lauren commented quietly to her friend “she’s at the front of the class”. I just replied “I’m blind”, then I turned to the girl next to me and said “She thinks I can’t hear her..” This comment totally infuriated me. I saw red. First of all, I have worryingly bad vision problems, and secondly, I cant bloody be expected to decipher everybody’s handwriting!!!

We had a new guy today. I don’t know him. He could be a total ass. Either way, I wasn’t feeling very safe in a room where everytime he spoke up, a group of girls at the back of the room started laughing at him quietly. I know it wasn’t at me, but it made me anxious. My friend mentioned knowing the guy and not liking him, so he probably is a dick, but I really wanted to stick up for him at that moment. But I’m a wuss!

I know, it’s obvious I need help. I mean, right this second, I’m trying my hardest not to strangle my boyfriend for talking to me while I try to type this. Its not his fault. Its nobody’s fault. I’m so confused as to what has caused this though. Could it be peri-menopause? the fact I’m eating less carbs? Less sugar? Less calories? Stress from change of lifestyle? Not enough sleep? Lack of a certain vitamin? A new mental illness (please God, no!) Brain damage? Medication? Hysteria? And no, it’s NOT time of the month. I’m like this constantly. I’m not pregnant either. I’m starting to think that maybe I should have a room that can be locked from the outside for times when I’m feeling like this.

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    I’m hoping to get back into blogging. I’ve probably been bottling too much up, at a time when I’m feeling especially ranty. I’m sure I’ll have plenty more to say soon. Also, if someone can tell me the etiquette for using photo’s in blogs can you let me know? Should the photo just link to the original, or should I include a caption with the link? Any help is appreciated!
    Stay tuned!

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